


I Won't Be Far Away

by RobinsonsWereHere



Category: Psych
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Miscarriage, Misplaced Guilt, Post-Episode: s08e06 1967: A Psych Odyssey, Self-Blame, Unplanned Pregnancy, emotional angst, i guess, mother/daughter feels, updated every monday
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2020-12-27 15:49:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21121313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobinsonsWereHere/pseuds/RobinsonsWereHere
Summary: Juliet O'Hara is just settling in in San Francisco... well, she's close to settling in. She's living with her boss, working more than she should, and calling Shawn every night. On top of all of that, with stress from work and moving and Shawn, she finds out she's pregnant.This kid already has the timing of their father.[story finished! Updated every monday!]





	1. Three strikes, you're... pregnant?

Juliet O’Hara is settling into San Francisco as best she can, without Shawn.

It’s been about three weeks. She still fervently hopes for his arrival, still calls him almost every night. But she’s throwing herself into work, too, and that helps her not miss him so much. Plus, there’s all the trouble of finding a place to live…

So right now she’s busy, with work and with moving up the coast. Thankfully, Karen had offered to let her stay in her guest room- the Vick family had had much more time to prepare for the move, so all of them had moved at once, and into a nice house, too.

She’s busy enough not to notice that she’s missed her period, for a while. When she does notice, she brushes it off- huge life changes can undoubtedly cause missed cycles.

The only reason it lingers in her mind is that she _feels_ like she’s PMS-ing, and she’s felt that way for a solid week. It’s weird.

She’ll figure it out later.

\---

‘Later’ turns out to be after a few more nights. Juliet is lying awake after a warming phone call with Shawn, thinking about what sort of house to get. She wants to buy a house, one big enough for the both of them, that they can live in for the foreseeable future. 

_Will we want a house with room for kids?_

Juliet smiles sleepily at the thought of that, thinking about a house full of children running amok. They’ll be half-Shawn, after all- no doubt they’ll drive her insane just like Shawn does before they’re even out of the womb.

_Wait._

Something in that thought wakes Juliet up a little, making her frown into the dark. This happens to her at work, sometimes, when she has all the evidence in front of her. Her gut picks up on something her brain has missed.

_Buying a house… a family with Shawn… having kids…._

Kids.

Juliet sits bolt upright, cursing into the shadowy bedroom. “Fuck,” she whispers. “No, shit, I can’t be.”

Grabbing her sneakers and a sweatshirt, she nearly runs for her car, driving off through a midnight rainstorm towards the nearest pharmacy.

\---

Karen has always been a light sleeper at the best of times, an insomniac at the worst. After weeks of wrangling a new department and unpacking boxes and worrying about how her family is adjusting, she can barely sleep at all. So it’s no surprise that the grumble of an engine in her driveway wakes her up.

She gets out to the kitchen in time to see O’Hara’s green bug pulling away. The sight makes her frown- where the hell would she be going at midnight, anyway?- but she shrugs it off and pulls a book from a box. She’s awake now, so she may as well wait up.

\---

Juliet is back within half an hour, her brain running a thousand miles a minute. Her breath is shaking and her knuckles are white around the plastic bag containing three tests from three different brands. She stumbles into the foyer, glad for the spare key, and does not notice that she is no longer the only one awake.

“Juliet,” Karen says softly.

Juliet does not shriek, or jump literally a foot in the air, because stealthy, well-trained detectives do not do that.

“You _scared_ me,” she pants, pressing a hand to her chest.

“Sorry,” Karen apologizes. A crease forms between her brows. “Are you alright, Juliet?”

“Fine!” Juliet answers, far too quickly. “Oh, yeah, fine. Just swell. Doing great, why do you ask?”

(It sounds pathetic, even to her own ears.)

“Well…” Karen stands from the couch, choosing instead to lean on the back of it. “You’re white as a sheet, you can’t lie to save your life, and _something_ was important enough for you to leave in the middle of the night.”

Juliet swallows hard, shaking like a leaf. “I-” a deep breath, a strand of hair twisting around her finger- “I might be pregnant.”

It’s like saying the word breaks down the dams and lets every emotion she’s tried to ignore over the past few weeks flood through. Juliet lets out a choking sob and drops her head into her hands as the tears begin to flow. But it’s only a matter of seconds before she feels arms around her as Karen guides her to the couch.

Juliet cries into her boss’ shoulder, her tears soaking through Karen’s t-shirt. Karen holds her for a while, rubbing her back until the tears have subsided and Juliet’s sobs have faded to hiccups.

“You’re alright,” she murmurs. “It’s not the end of the world. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing.”

Juliet looks up at her, almost pleading. “It’s all too much at once.”

“You don’t even know yet,” Karen points out. “Go take the tests… knowing you, you bought more than one. I’ll make some hot chocolate.”

\---

All three tests look similar, and all have similar instructions. Juliet pees on the sticks, et cetera, and then waits. Seconds tick by as she stares at her watch.

Fourteen seconds. The amount of time she’d had alone with Shawn, after she’d kissed him, before Declan and Gus had shown up.

Twenty-two seconds. The amount of time it takes her to assemble her gun.

Forty-seven seconds. The amount of time it had taken Shawn to figure out his birthday present, months earlier.

A minute and three seconds. The amount of time she'd spent staring at Shawn's sleeping form before she'd bent, kissed him gently, and left for San Francisco.

At one and a half minutes, she looks away from her watch. It still takes her several more seconds and a few deep breaths before she looks at the tests on the counter.

The first one has two lines, crossing each other and forming a plus sign. Positive.

The second one also shows two lines, parallel. Positive.

Another pair of parallel lines. Positive. Three strikes, you’re… pregnant.

Juliet closes her eyes and grabs the counter as her knees give out. Turning to the side, she vomits bile into the toilet bowl.


	2. Left Reeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juliet grapples with the idea that she's actually pregnant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Notice the rating change, increased chapter number, and additional tags added today. I changed the end of this fic for a lot of reasons, but it does have a different tone now. If it's not something you're interested in any more, bye! Sorry for the bait and switch! 
> 
> (side note: you can read the first 5 chapters and it sort of functions as it's own fic, more or less)

Karen is stirring two mugs of hot chocolate when Juliet returns, still ashen. She looks her in the eyes and nods, then more or less collapses onto the couch. Karen hands her the warm mug, slightly concerned that she might legitimately go into shock. She lays a hand on her detective’s shoulder.

“Are you feeling okay, Juliet?”

Juliet shrugs. “I mean… I guess? Just tired and scared.”

“Well, that’s something,” Karen murmurs, rubbing her back. “Try the cocoa; I bet your blood sugar is a bit low.”

For a few minutes, they’re both silent, drinking the hot chocolate. Juliet leans into Karen, and Karen lets her.

“I can’t believe this,” Juliet finally says, sounding a bit like she might cry again. “I can’t believe I-- I should have known better-- god, I thought we were being careful.”

“There’s always a chance, even a small one,” Karen reminds her. “This doesn’t mean you were irresponsible, or foolish, or any of the things I’m sure are running through your head right now. If I know you at all, you’re none of those.”

Juliet smiles faintly. “Thank you.”

Karen nods. “I know you want time to process, but it’s one in the morning. You should go back to bed, after you finish the cocoa.”

She laughs. “Yeah. Like I’ll be able to sleep.”

Karen holds Juliet a little tighter. “Even a few hours of shut-eye will give you a fresh outlook in the morning. Get some rest, Juliet.”

Her detective tips back the mug, finishing off the cocoa. Karen takes the mug from her, knowing that she’ll try to wash it out of habit. “Don’t worry about that; I can clean up. Goodnight, Juliet.”

“Goodnight, Karen.”

\---

Juliet sleeps like the dead from about four to eight in the morning. This is a problem; she normally gets up at six-thirty. Instead, at eight-thirty, she’s scrambling for a clean suit and tugging her hair into a messy ponytail.

“Coffee,” she mutters, trying to put on heels and head for the kitchen at the same time. Then, the events of the previous night come back to her. “Aw, _shit,”_ she groans, casting a forlorn glance at the coffeemaker in the kitchen.

Richard Vick is reading the paper and drinking his own coffee in the living room. “Karen turned off your alarm earlier; she said something about you being under the weather. I don’t think you have to rush in.”

Juliet pauses briefly, thinking about if she should take the day off. “Nah, I’m fine. Have a good day, Richard.”

“You too, Juliet,” he responds, sounding bemused.

With a a farewell wave and a glance at her watch, Juliet rushes for the door.

\---

Karen and Juliet are washing the dishes while, down the hall, Richard reads Iris a bedtime story. “Have you looked at OB/GYNs nearby yet, Juliet?”

The younger woman frowns as she scrubs a plate. “I… no, I haven’t. I still haven’t come to grips with the fact that I’m pregnant, let alone thought about what next steps to take. It’s all so mind-boggling.”

“Believe me, I know,” Karen says. She reminisces for a minute, remembering how she’d been interim chief for hardly a week before learning she was pregnant with Iris. “But you want to be prepared, Juliet. Of course I’m not claiming to know what’s going on in your head, but the first step to a healthy pregnancy and the first step to an abortion are the same: go to a doctor.”

The pace of the dish washing slows, but Karen can hardly fault Juliet for sinking into her thoughts. “I want kids,” she says finally. “I always have. And I want kids with Shawn. But right now, I mean, Shawn isn’t even up here, and this job- God, it’s just so much at once.”

“Hey.” Karen sets down the plate to reach for Juliet. “I know there’s always a risk, being out in the field. But you know that one of my goals as chief of police has always been and will always will be to make sure my officers have time for their families… and to make sure they make it home to them.”

Juliet smiles at that, but the conversation is cut short by music blaring from her cell phone. Her face has fallen before she even pulls it from her pocket. “It’s Shawn.”

“Then go talk to the man you love,” Karen replies. “You don’t have to tell him just yet. Everything can be normal, for now.”

Juliet laughs. “Normal. Yeah, right.”

\---

“Hi, Shawn,” she greets, already a bit breathless as she answers the phone. Karen has gone to assist with Iris’ bedtime, so she’s alone in the living room.

_”Hey Jules! How’s ‘Frisco?”_

“It’s… it’s pretty good, actually. The city is pretty and work is going really well.”

_”Awesome! You must be their crown jewel, I mean, how on earth have they been keeping crime off the streets without a psychic consultant?”_

Juliet laughs. “You and your big head. Do you think everyone needs a psychic consultant?”

_”I think you do.”_

“You’re right about that,” she sighs. “I love you.”

_”I love you too.”_

“Shawn,” she says carefully, “you know I want you to come up to San Francisco, right?”

_”Yeah, but you want me to take my time, make sure I’m making the right decision.I get it.”_

“That’s not what I was going to say, Shawn,” Juliet reprimands. “I was going to day that I want you up here more than you know. You’re right, I’ve been telling you to be sure before you come, but… that’s only because I don’t want you to have regrets. I feel like it might have come off as me pushing you away, and believe me, Shawn- that’s the last thing I want to do.”

_”Jules… you have no idea how good it feels to hear you say that.”_

“I’m sorry, Shawn,” she says, choking on tears. “I’m sorry I haven’t said it before. I miss you, so much that it hurts if I think about you for too long. I love you. I want you here with me, as soon as you feel ready.”

_”I’ll be there as soon as I can, sweetheart. I’ll wrap everything up here soon.”_

“I love you, Shawn,” Juliet repeats as the tears begin to fall. “I love you so much.”

_”I love you too.”_

Hanging up, Juliet hears the sound of small footsteps, and turns to see Iris standing there in a unicorn pajama set. “Mommy said I could say goodnight to you,” she tells her. “How come you’re crying, Detective Juliet? Are you sad?”

Juliet smiles. “Only a little bit. I miss Shawn.”

“Is Shawn your boyfriend?”

Juliet knows that the seven year old has only recently learned the meaning of the word. “Yeah, he is.”

“So you’re sad because you love him but he’s not here?”

“Pretty much.” Juliet is impressed with Iris’ quick grasp of feelings she herself is struggling with.

Iris comes closer, scrutinizing. “Would you like a hug?”

Juliet laughs. “I sure would.”

Iris wraps her in as tight a hug as she can manage. “G’night, Juliet!”

“Goodnight, Iris.”

Maybe it’s science and neurotransmitters, or maybe just the sweet innocence of being hugged by a child. Whatever the reason, after a long, stressful day, Juliet is finally smiling when she goes to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What was softer, Juliet telling Shawn she wanted him in SF, or the hug with Iris?


	3. Exhaustion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juliet struggles with the trials and tribulations of pregnancy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late! I was traveling and my schedule is all out of whack. Enjoy this chapter!

Juliet grimaces as she makes herself take another bite of pork. It’s a wonderful meal, really, but she’s been feeling slightly nauseous all day, and eating is making it worse.

“How’s the stir fry, Juliet?”

She hasn’t touched it; the aroma combined with that of the meat is overwhelming. “Oh, it’s amazing. I’m just, ah, not hungry right now.”

Karen gives her a look, lips pursed, brow creased. “Not hungry? You’ve been busy today, you should eat _something.”_

“Of course,” Juliet mumbles. “Yeah, I will. It’s- it’s definitely nothing against your cooking, don’t worry.”

Karen nods, and the issue is dropped, thankfully. But after dinner, Juliet finds herself curled in a miserable ball on the couch. She talks briefly to Shawn, but mumbles some excuse about wanting to get to bed early on account of a cold. He tells her to feel better soon, and she lies on the couch smiling for a bit, but still feeling too icky to want to move. 

“How are you feeling?” Karen asks, coming over to stroke Juliet’s forehead. “Morning sickness showing up?”

“It’s eight o’clock at night,” Juliet groans.

“Mhm. It’s a bit of a misnomer. How bad is it?”

“Not great.”

Karen rubs a hand over Juliet’s shoulder. “Are you going to throw up?”

She grimaces. ‘Well, now that you’ve said that…” She tries to take deep breaths, but the nausea overwhelms her, and she hurries to the bathroom.

Juliet feels Karen holding her hair and rubbing her back gently. She sighs, leaning against the toilet. “Thanks, Mom.”

A pause.

“Shit.”

“Just a slip of the tongue, Juliet. Don’t worry about it.”

Juliet groans and stands, turning on the sink and rinsing her mouth. “I think I’ll head to bed. Goodnight, Karen.”

“Goodnight, Juliet.”

\---

Juliet tosses and turns for half an hour before giving in and reaching for her phone. It’s only a quarter to ten, he’s probably still up. 

Sure enough, her partner- he _is,_ she’ll never not think of him as that- answers the video call on the third ring. “Hey, Juliet,” he says, sounding happy. “Glad to hear from you at last.”

“At last? Carlton, it’s been four days.”

“Yeah, well, you’ve been calling me every other day for almost a month,” he chuckles. “You didn’t call two days ago. I got worried.”

Juliet sighs, playing with a bit of her hair. She’s reluctant to spill if it could get back to Shawn, but she needs to tell someone. And It’s Carlton- he’ll keep her secrets.

“Well,” she sighs, “two nights ago, I was trying to figure out how to handle the implications of three positive pregnancy tests.”

His eyes go wide. “Oh. Oh, shit.”

“Yeah,” Juliet agrees, the word leaving her mouth in a long exhale. “Yeah, it’s… it’s a lot.”

“I’d imagine,” Carlton murmurs.

“God, how did this happen?”

“If you’re trying to talk to me about your sex life with Spencer, I’m gonna stop you right there.”

“No, I know how _that_ happened,” Juliet groans, waving her hand dismissively. “I mean all of this. Us being spread up the coast, you running a department, me a hot mess of crime solving and existential crises. Can you believe that a month ago we were all so blissfully ignorant?”

“I almost can’t,” he admits. There’s silence for a while, and when he speaks again, he sounds almost tentative. “Do you regret leaving?”

“No!” Juliet doesn’t even have to think about it. “The job is going well, searching for houses isn’t too terrible, I’ll be so happy once Shawn gets up here. But I-” she swallows, well aware of the lump in her throat and the tears stinging her eyes. “I miss you, all of you. I miss working with you every day, I miss falling asleep in Shawn’s arms, I miss movie nights crammed onto the couch with me and you and Shawn and Gus. What we have now is good, it’s our future, but what we had… we’re never going to get that back.”

“God, O’Hara, I feel the same way,” Carlton sighs. “You know I do. But- wait, are you crying?”

She wipes her eyes. “No.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Fine. I’m crying because I miss you and I miss Shawn and I’m drowning in hormones. Happy?”

“Damn, Juliet,” he sighs. “I’m gonna let you talk to Marlowe.”

\---

Juliet is beyond nervous in the waiting room, but she sits still and takes deep breaths, her only sign of nerves a finger tapping against her hand. When her name is called, she hands in her fresh paperwork and follows the nurse down the hall. After height, weight, and blood pressure measurements, as well as a urine test and a blood test, she’s waiting once more, but in an exam room. Soon enough, a doctor comes in.

“Hello, Detective O’Hara,” he greets. “I’m Dr. Harper. Are you ready for the result of your pregnancy test?”

“Yeah, I think I am,” she answers.

“Well, you’re pregnant, Detective. Probably around eleven weeks along, based on hormone levels and the paperwork you filled out.”

Juliet nods. “That makes sense with what I thought of, too.”

“Alright, so let’s go over the basics: no caffeine, no alcohol. Get plenty of rest. Eat three full meals a day, and you’re gonna need some prenatal vitamins- here’s a list of recommended brands. There’s nothing that worries us in your bloodwork, so we’ll keep you on a standard plan for now.” He pauses, and smiles. “How are you feeling?”

Juliet blinks, still taking in the rapid-fire of information. “Um, kind of nauseous, a bit tired, and I have to pee. Fine otherwise.”

“Well, then, I’ll let you use the bathroom, and then we can head to an ultrasound room. I’ll answer any questions you have afterwards.”

“Alright, thanks.”

In less than ten minutes, she’s pulling up her shirt, letting the technician apply the cold gel to her belly. When the probe touches, a blurry, black and white image appears, and for a few minutes, the tech just moves the probe slowly over Juliet’s belly.

Then, she holds it still, and points to the screen. “There. See the movement? That’s your baby.”

Juliet gasps in wonder, watching the blurry blob wiggle. She can hear the heartbeat through the speakers, faint but steady. “I can’t believe it,” she whispers. “I can’t believe I’m going to be somebody’s mother.”

She’s in a daze for the rest of the appointment, hell, for the rest of the night. She talks to Shawn, longing to tell him. She talks to Carlton, though they mostly talk about Santa Barbara. 

She falls asleep with the sonogram held to her chest.


	4. Can't Do it All Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juliet leans on her community for support.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is later than usual, sorry! Enjoy the chapter!

Juliet is so used to staying with the Vicks that there are times when she forgets she’s going to move out at some point. For instance, this morning she’s braiding Iris’ hair as the first grader slurps the milk out of her cereal bowl. Richard looks up from his newspaper to address him. “Hey, Juliet, there’s an apartment complex in town advertising two bedroom, single bathroom, 1500 square feet. Looks like a good deal.” 

Juliet nods and smiles politely. “I actually think I’m looking for a house, but I’ll check that out if I get the time.”

“Of course, of course,” he agrees. “Speaking of time--” he folds up the paper and stands, grabbing his daughter’s lunch box and backpack, “it’s time for Iris to be getting to school.”

Juliet ties off the second pigtail braid. “Perfect timing. Have a great day, guys!”

“You too, Juliet. Good luck.”

Already hunting for her purse, Juliet waves goodbye as they walk out the door.

\---

One of Juliet’s favorite things about the SFPD is the large number of women in the department. It’s about 41% women, as opposed to the SBPD’s 19%, and in the month she’s been here, she’s at least introduced herself to all of them.

“So, O’Hara,” says Detective Maria Ramirez, Juliet’s new partner, “did you find a lady doctor like you were asking about last week? ‘Cause I know it sometimes takes a few tries to find one you like.”

“Oh, yeah, I made an appointment,” Juliet replies flippantly. She had earlier asked for opinions on local OB/GYN offices, though she’d kept the reasons private. Her new friends had been eager to advise and forthcoming with information. Yes, she may miss working with Carlton, but she definitely likes it here.

“Where’d you end up going?” Officer Johnson asks. 

“Doctor Harper. He was a lot a once, but I didn’t have anything to complain about.”

“Oh, yeah, I’ve been to him!” The cheery blonde fills her coffee mug. “He helped me figure out if I wanted an IUD. Talks fast, but good explanation. Good guy.”

Juliet nods slowly, but her mind is in another place. _An IUD? Why didn’t I think of that? It’s reliable and reversible… god, when it comes to Shawn, I’ve just completely lost my head._

The conversation dies out, and Officer Johnson heads back to her desk. Ramirez holds up a blue SFPD coffee mug for Juliet. “Cheers. One cream, one sugar, right?”

Juliet is a bit surprised that she’d remembered. “Oh, yeah… but I’ve sworn off caffeine, because, um…” she trails off. “Thanks though.”

The detective gives her an odd look, but nods. “Alright then… shall we go over witness testimony for the robbery case?”

\---

That night, Juliet calls Shawn, as always. His answer is comfortingly familiar. _”Hey Jules! How’s ‘Frisco?”_

“It’s good, Shawn,” she tells him. “I’m really getting along with my new coworkers. My house hunting has… stagnated, but I’ll find something.”

_”Well, make sure to find something big enough for both of us. I’m headed your way as fast as I can.”_

“I know you are.” She smiles, though he can’t see it.

_”So how are you doing? Not with the job, not with house hunting, just you.”_

For a minute, she entertains the thought of telling him. She could tell him that she’s going to have his baby, that they’re going to have a family, that the thought scares her and delights her and she misses him so much. 

But this isn’t something that should be said over the phone.

“I’ve been better,” she admits with a sigh. “Karen has been an absolute blessing, letting me stay with her and all that. But I’m pretty stressed, and I miss Carlton, and…” she pauses, knowing that if she teases him, he’ll know she’s alright. “What else? There was one more thing… gosh, who else could there be that I can’t stop thinking about in the middle of the night?”

Sure enough, a low chuckle echoes down the line. _”Thinking about how?”_

Shawn is rather talented at turning every word that comes out of her mouth into an innuendo. Juliet rolls her eyes good-naturedly. “Mind out of the gutter, Spencer. I’m sharing a house with three other people, including my boss.”

_”Oh, right… you’re always too loud for subtlety.”_

It’s a sign of how much she misses this banter, misses _him,_ that she lets him keep going from there. “Oh, I can be quiet. Remind me whose fault it was that we almost got caught in the file room two months ago?”

He laughs again, causing a smile to curl over her lips. _”Touche, Jules.”_ A sigh. _”I miss you.”_

“I miss you too, Shawn,” she says softly. “I love you. So much.”

_“I love you too, Jules. I love you too.”_

\---

Carlton is next on her nightly call list. “Spencer came by today,” he says, after greetings have been exchanged. “Wanted to know if we could wrap up the last of his payments. I think it was less money than he was expecting, but the point is, I think he’s headed your way.”

Juliet smiles, not because it’s new information, but because he’d cared enough to tell her. “He said as much. Thank you, Carlton.”

Her partner shrugs. “Don’t thank me. I’m doing the bare minimum.”

“You’re also running an entire police department,” she points out.

“True.” They’re silent for a bit, blue eyes staring into tired blue eyes. “Uh, how’s the…” he gestures. “You know… kid?”

Juliet blinks, a hand moving to her stomach. She’s not yet used to people asking that question. “Oh… good, I guess. Still making me feel sick and tired. But the doctor says we’re both healthy.”

“That’s great Juliet,” Carlton says with a faint smile. “Do you wanna talk to Marlowe?”

“No, thanks,” she declines, starting to yawn. “I think it’s about time for me to call it a night.”

“Well, good night, then,” he responds. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Later, Carlton. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

\---

Shawn grins as he cruises down the suburban street, the purr of his motorcycle disrupting the quietude of the San Francisco evening. He doesn’t even bother to unload his bags from his travel case, only checking the text from Jules to confirm the address. Yep, he’s in the right spot.

He’s down the walk in three steps and up the stairs in two, and then he’s ringing the doorbell, a grin spreading over his face. Sure enough the door opens, and Juliet is there, in person, _finally,_ and yeah, Karen and Iris and Richard are just in the next room but he hasn’t seen his girlfriend in a month, so he’s going to get the reunion kiss he wants. Juliet seems to agree.

“Hi,” she breathes afterward, panting a little.

“Hi yourself,” Shawn replies. He reaches for the side of her face and strokes his fingers through her hair, gently, just to convince himself that she’s real.

“You’re here,” she says, sounding choked. “Thank god, you’re _here.”_

She hugs him tightly once again, buries her face in his shoulder, and bursts into tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, Shawn's here!!!


	5. A Long, Long Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juliet tells Shawn the news. He struggles to be as happy about it as she is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably my fav chapter of this story... except for maybe chapter 1 :)

To say that Shawn had been caught off-guard by Juliet crying would be an understatement. Utterly bewildered, he wraps his arms around her and begins to rub her back. “Jules… hey… you’re alright… it’s okay…”

She holds him tighter and does not stop crying. “I _missed_ you,” she says wetly, as she soaks his shirt with tears.

“I missed you too, Jules. But I’m here now.” He tilts her chin up so he can look her in the eyes. “I love you.”

This only makes her cry harder, for some reason. “I love you too.”

\---

Juliet stops crying in time to eat dinner, and holds Shawn’s hand unsubtly under the table the whole time. After dinner, she leads him to her bedroom, and sits him on the edge of the bed with a gentle kiss on the forehead.

His hands come up to hold her waist. “Hey,” he says softly, “what was with the waterworks earlier?”

She smiles a bit to assuage his worries, though she herself is incredibly nervous about the conversation they need to have now. “It was nothing, Shawn. It’s just-- it’s been… a lot, without you here. I missed you.”

He takes her hand, kissing the back of it. Blue-green eyes stare into her own. “I missed you too.”

“Shawn…” she chews her lip, unsure of how to break the news. “Shawn, a few weeks ago, I got some news… that is, I am-- we’re going to--” she sighs, then walks to the dresser and pulls open a drawer. She takes the sonogram from between two shirts, then brings it to Shawn. Her voice is quieted by worry, but she still manages to get the words out. “You’re going to be a father.”

Shawn looks down at the sonogram she’s holding out, then up at her, his mouth agape. ”Wh- what?”

“I’m pregnant, Shawn,” she explains softly, sitting on the bed next to him. “I found out a couple week after I got here. I just went to the doctor last week.”

He takes the sonogram slowly, his eyes wide and face shocked, like it’s all sinking in. “You’re going to have my baby,” he murmurs.

‘Yeah.” She takes his hand and gives it a firm squeeze.

“And-- and you’re happy about that? You want to have kids?”

“Only with you, Shawn.”

He nods, and even tries for a smile, but she can feel him pulling away, can see in his eyes that he’s scared.

“Shawn, we can talk about this. I haven’t made any final decisions yet.”

“No, no, if you want to have a baby, then I’m-- I’m here for you.”

“Shawn.” She gives him a stern look. “You’re not just a sperm donor, you know. We’re only doing this if we’re both all-in. So talk to me, babe. Do you want to have kids right now?”

“Well…” he takes a deep breath. “It’s- it’s a lot, Jules. I wasn’t expecting it, and I’m gonna need time to wrap my head around it, and…” he bites his lip and shakes his head. “Nevermind.”

“No.” She tugs at his shoulder, turning him to face her. “Shawn, there will be no ‘neverminds’ in this conversation. No ‘it doesn’t matters’. This is a huge decision for both of us, individually and as a couple. So it all needs to be on the table, okay?”

Shawn nods, and then looks away from her. He rests his elbows on his knees, and his chin in his hands. Juliet rubs his back slowly, waiting for him to speak.

“Jules…” she sees his adam’s apple bob as he swallows. “Jules… do you really want me to be the father of your children?”

For a minute she doesn’t answer, feeling like the wind has been knocked out of her by the question. “Shawn, of course I do! You’re the _only_ person I will ever want to have kids with.”

“Yeah, I love you too,” he agrees, “but-- I’ve never really planned on being a dad. I feel like after what I went through with my dad… how could I possibly have a kid, knowing that I could mess up with him like my dad did with me?”

“Oh, Shawn,” Juliet sighs. She wraps her arms around him, squirming onto his lap and cuddling him as best she can. Eventually he gets the idea and lays back, hugging her, too. “Shawn, nobody is a good or bad parent right from the beginning. You have to practice. You have to learn. And do you wanna know what I think?”

He reaches up and brushes a golden curl out of her face. “Sure.”

“I think if anything, your father’s mistakes will make you a better dad, not a worse one. If you ask him, I bet he’ll agree.” She tilts her head, thinking about Henry’s potential reactions for a moment. “And probably apologize.”

Shawn pulls her into him, peppering kisses over her face. “I’m sorry for freaking out,” he murmurs.

“Don’t be. I freaked out, too.”

“I love you, Jules.”

“I love you, Shawn.”

“Jules?”

She’s already beginning to doze off, enjoying his warm embrace. “Hmm?”

“I might be scared, but I’m gonna stick around. I’m gonna be the awesome, mature sort of boyfriend you need, now that we’re gonna have a kid.”

“I need you, Shawn,” she tells him. “Just you. As long as you’re here, I’m happy.”

She is.

For the first time since she’d kissed him goodbye and left for San Francisco, she’s happy.

\---

Shawn is not happy.

He should be, but he’s not.

He’s reunited with his girlfriend after a month apart. They’re going to have a baby, which is, by all accounts, a happy occurrence. But even as Juliet smiles in her sleep, shifting against him to rest her head on his chest, Shawn’s heart pounds, his stomach tying itself in knots. No way he’s going to sleep tonight.

Thankfully, Jules doesn’t stir as he wiggles out from under her. However, the paper she’d held in her hand does flutter to the ground. Shawn picks it up, staring once more at the sonogram. God, what the hell is happening? He can’t be a dad. He couldn’t when he was twenty, and left his most serious relationship at that point because she wanted a family one day. And sure, he’s changed a lot since then, since he met Jules, but this… this still feels like too much.

He heads to the kitchen to get a drink, but he doesn’t let go of the sonogram.

\---

Karen wakes to the sound of glass bottles, and then the fridge closing. With an inkling of what might be going on growing in her brain, she climbs out of bed and follows the noise, to find Shawn sitting at the counter, taking long sips of a beer, with a small photo in his hand. She thinks it’s a sonogram.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

He startles. “Uh… sure, let’s go with that.”

“It’s a lot at once,” she says, coming around the counter to sit next to him. “No one can argue with that.”

“I’m not ready,” he says hoarsely. “I-- I can’t do this. But I can’t leave her, either.” He turns to look at her, looking sort of shocked. “What am I going to do?”

Karen tugs the beer bottle from his grasp. “You’re going to sleep on it, and then you’re going to talk to her. She’ll want to hear what you have to say.”

“She wants this baby, though,” Shawn whispers. “I’ve never been able to say no to her.”

“Then think about it for a while,” Karen suggests. “Maybe in a few days, you’ll realize that you want a child, too.”

Shawn gives a half-smile. “Alright. G’night, Karen.”

She tosses the beer in the trash can. “Goodnight, Shawn.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stop reading here unless you want some serious angst. final chapter coming next week!


	6. It All Goes Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn and Juliet are just beginning to settle into San Francisco, and Juliet is getting excited about her pregnancy. Shawn is trying, too, but he worries that he's not as happy about it as he should be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the part where it gets angsty, folks. If you didn't read the tags, TW for miscarriage.

In the next two weeks, Juliet lets herself get excited. She and Shawn rent an apartment, just for the month, until they can find a house they like. She buys a few pregnancy books. Shawn doesn’t bring up his worries about fatherhood, but listens happily when she chatters about the growth of their baby. He holds her hair back when she’s sick, and cooks her good food that’s nice and healthy. It’s everything she could ask for.

And then, all of the sudden, it all goes wrong.

Juliet wakes slowly, her head feeling fuzzy. The first thing she notices is that her stomach hurts-- not nausea, which has been fairly light anyway, but cramping. Worse than she’s felt so far and worse even then what she normally has with her period.

That realization is what forces her to open her eyes and try to sit up. _This is wrong._

That feeling is only intensified when she realizes she’s sitting in a pool of blood. “Shawn,” she says, shock stealing her voice. She reaches out to shake him awake. “Shawn, wake up.”

“Whassamatter?” Her boyfriend blinks blearily awake, his gaze instantly focusing on the blood. “Huh. That’s not good.”

“No, it isn’t,” she agrees. “I need to… I need to call the doctor… and maybe clean myself up…”

Her head hurts, too. In a confused daze, Juliet tries to get out of bed, but when she stands, her head begins to spin. She falls back onto the bed and catches herself, but then her arms give out, too.

“Woah, woah, Jules,” Shawn says, climbing out of the bed himself. Her vision is blurring, but she does feel him take her in his arms and lift her, bridal style. “I think we’re past calling the doctor, baby.” He kisses her temple. “I’m taking you to the ER.”

Juliet feels safe in his arms. He’ll make sure everything goes well. With that in mind, she lets her eyes slip closed. “Yeah, okay,” she murmurs. Shortly after that, the world fades away.

\---

Shawn barely watches the road on the way to the hospital. Instead, he looks at Jules, curled up in the passenger seat. He thinks she’s a little more conscious than she’d been when they left the apartment, but all he’s getting out of her are whimpers of pain.

“It hurts, Shawn,” she whimpers, nearly startling him out of his skin. Shawn winces in sympathy and glances over again to see her holding her stomach.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” he says, his voice breaking. He offers his hand. “I’m right here with you. You’re gonna be okay.”

When she looks up at him, her blue eyes are feverish shining with unshed tears.

Shawn carries Juliet into the ER just like he’d carried her out of the house. The receptionist’s eyes go wide, but she quickly flags down a couple of nurses. They ask for her blood type and they ask about any recent traumas and they ask about her medical conditions. When he tells them she’s pregnant, their expressions get solemn. Soon, she’s being rolled down the hall on a stretcher.

Shawn holds her hand for as long as he can, until she’s rolled into the operating room. He stands there helplessly, staring after her.

“I love you,” he says to the empty room.

\---

He blames himself, while he waits.

He waits for one hour, fifty-three minutes, and seventeen seconds, and that time is his, only his, because later, when this is all over, he won’t tell Gus or his dad and he definitely won’t tell Jules any of the many unwelcome thoughts he’d had.

The first thing he does is research. He knows enough not to trust WebMD, but the mayo clinic seems to be a reputable source. He soon learns that miscarriage, while it can be painful, doesn’t often endanger the mother. Juliet, on the other hand, had actually passed out from blood loss.

His heart in his throat, Shawn scrolls down to the ‘complications’ section. Fever and severe pain are both signs of a further infection…

After that, he stops reading, and drops his head into his hands. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, a desperate prayer. “God, I’m sorry. I know I wasn’t handling it really well, but I was trying, I was trying so hard…” he gulps. “I love her. I need her. So if this is some sort of cosmic punishment, then please, please, take me… not her. God, not her.”

He knows, logically, that it isn’t his fault. But what if it _is?_ He notices things before others do, maybe if he’d paid more attention to how Juliet was feeling or listened when she read to him about what happens in each week of pregnancy, he could’ve seen something, he could’ve saved her, saved them both.

It’s part of the cruelness of the universe, that only when faced with the loss of their baby does Shawn realize how much he actually wanted to be a dad. He was terrified, sure, but a baby, a _family_ with Juliet? He wants that more than anything.

“I’m sorry,” he says again to the air. “Please, let her be alright.”

\---

Juliet wakes slowly, her mind feeling clearer than it has all day. Thinking through her blurry memories, she’s not sure that’s a good thing.

“Shawn,” she says softly, reaching for him when thinking hurts too much. “Shawn… what happened?”

His eyes go wide when he sees that she’s awake, and he quickly moves closer, taking her hand and kissing it. His free hand strokes her forehead. “How much do you remember?”

Juliet doesn’t try to keep the heartache off her face. “I lost the baby.” She swallows the lump in her throat. “I remember the blood, and the car ride, and how everything hurt, but it all adds up to that, doesn’t it?” She wipes at her eyes. “I lost our baby.”

Shawn leans forward, cupping her face in his hands and kissing her forehead. “But I didn’t lose you.” He sits down on the edge of her bed. “Jules, you lost so much blood…” he gestures to the transfusion bag hanging on the IV pole. “They said something about complications, about hemorrhage… I was so scared that you-- that you would--” he chokes on his words and shakes his head.

Juliet takes his hand and kisses his palm. “I’m here,” she whispers. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Jules,” he replies. Another forehead kiss. “I love you so much. I’m so sorry.”

She frowns. “Shawn, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.”

He shakes his head. “I… I should’ve…”

“There’s a lot of things we should have done, a lot of things that could have happened,” she says. “But these are the cards we’ve been dealt, yeah?” Juliet starts to cry again. “We’re just gonna keep going.”

Shawn wipes her tears away. “Alright, Jules. It’s alright.” He kisses her tenderly. “Everything is going to be okay.”

Juliet pulls him into her arms, snuggling into his embrace. “God, I love you so much. I’m so glad you’re here now.” She thinks for a minute about what would’ve happened if he’d still been in Santa Barbara, if she’d woken up alone… “I love you.”

“I love you too, Jules.” A kiss. “I love you too.”

They don’t say anything more after that. Juliet cries herself to sleep, but at least she’s warm, at least she’s safe. At least she’s here in Shawn’s arms.

Things could be better, but they could also be worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end, thanks for reading!


End file.
